Sometimes I feel lonely and wonder if ‘belonging’ is a goal I should pursue. After all a human being is a herd animal. (Which is evident from the amount of people 🐑🐑🐑 that just blindly follow).
Self acceptance
My train of thoughts brought me to ‘being yourself’, what does that actually mean? And is it really as accepted as it seems?
In my process of self-acceptance I have learned what is causing it to be so difficult for me. Saying you’re chronically ill isn’t enough if you only say it once. People forget quickly and generally assume that everyone is just like them. Of course this is not the case, but it’s only remembered in a theoretical sense. What I mean is, they ‘know’ it, but they just don’t think about it. And in the end, of course, their life is not about you. This makes perfect sense but it is also difficult.
I am chronically ill. I have Multiple Sclerosis. And that sucks. Not only because it doesn’t go away, but also because it’s (mostly) invisible. I have MS symptoms every day. Even on good days. But at these times I won’t mention it because I don’t want to complain and it doesn’t help.
Every day I wake up tired and EVERYTHING costs me more energy than it does a healthy person.
In practice, this means that I have to make choices between my activities. So, am I going to a doctor’s appointment or visit someone tonight? Am I going to vacuum, tidy the kitchen or do the groceries? One of these types of activities per day followed by rest is usually doable.
Stress
Because of my neurodivergent brain, many things also cause me extra stress. For example, telephone calls or unexpected changes in my plans. And stress is disastrous for my MS. If I have too much stress in my life, I get physical issues. My legs become weaker, my balance is off, I also develop cognitive problems and become so exhausted that I can’t actually do anything anymore. Sleeping doesn’t help at this time and my energy bucket, which is already miniature in size and leaking anyway, now seems impossible to fill. Resting is all I can do. However, that is a bit of a challenge when you’re also a carer to others.
These are external stressors, but with MS the stress also comes from within my body, due to inflammation in the central nervous system (spinal cord and brain). It is therefore very important that I focus on anti-inflammatory foods as much as possible. This means avoiding dairy, grains, sugar and processed foods.
Doing this solo is quite a challenge. It requires more planning and energy and that is exactly what I do not have in abundance. On top of this, we also have someone in our household with an eating disorder, which makes preparing only one meal for the whole family impossible.
Another cause of stress is known to most of you and that is the stress around your child. That in itself is of course no different for me than any other parent, although added medical conditions and sensory challenges may sometimes make this a little more intense.
After rereading this, it sound like I’m complaining, but really it’s the reality of my life. Maybe it’s all to do with self acceptance and not so much about belonging.
I’m not quite sure which comes first. Is it belonging, self acceptance or being yourself? Can you belong when you are yourself? I know I have (very few) people where I feel all three are possible, but maybe it doesn’t matter. Ultimately, you can’t accept yourself until you know who you are and I haven’t even figured that out yet.
Maybe let’s see who’s under that mask first.
Brainwaffling 